Thursday, July 17, 2014

Sunday, July 13, 2014

C O N F E S S I O N

This is probably the most inappropriate time for a blog post. Nevertheless, here I am - word after word - hoping to let out some pent-up stress I've accumulated thus far.

With submissions and tests literally round the corner (the former in less than 12 hours), I am at a complete loss in terms of study. I don't know what I know and what I don't know. Can someone spell "FAILURE" for me? 'Cause honestly I've been so lost this year/semester that it doesn't bother me that I am failing anymore. Okay that is probably a lie because yes, it does bother me when I fail or perform sub-par or worse, have my work constantly commented on by my group mates simply because my work isn't good enough

Which leads me to my next point - maybe I'm just not fit for this. Maybe I do not possess that "Higher-level thinking order" that is the basic requirement for this field of study. Maybe I'm just stupid and I'm just a load of burden that my group mates have to carry. 

Maybe, just maybe, my nonexistence makes everyone's life a lot better.

I just want to leave. Want to quit. Want to stop.
I want to find a reason. I want to understand why I'm studying what I'm studying. I want that spark of blinding fireworks of eureka to happen as I attend school at 8:30AM all excited to learn.

I want all this mundane activities to stop. I don't want to see things in black and white anymore - I want splashes of colors here and there. 

Losing friends, losing myself, the shift from an extrovert into an introvert... I am at a loss.  

I want to feel the sun kiss my skin, and watch the light grow inside of me. So yes, I know better, and yes I will try to do better. I will trust that this uncomfortable feeling will fade into peace, and I will be one step closer to being free in me.